Being Onewatermelon Gaming

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One, the packaging shows a watermelon being sliced. Second, I love watermelon and go through at least one watermelon every other day. Greg 'eyes' the Profeshionals Fruit Slicer.

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  1. Dallas is 1-3 and one Watermelon onside kick vs. Falcons away from being a total lemon through four games. — Michael Gehlken (@GehlkenNFL) October 4, 2020.
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Part 35: Episode XXXII: Life Lessons

Episode XXXII: Life Lessons
Welp, I don't know about you all, but having a bizarre dream about some place we've never visited and then having a near incoherent letter from the mayor of the same place mysteriously show up the next morning sounds a touch fishy to me...
So instead, let's do a few sidequests before rushing into an inevitable trap, shall we? There are two final sidequests in the Village that have now unlocked. A metric ton of sidequests has also cropped up in Facade since our departure as well but...that can wait until another day. Let's just cover the home front for the time being.
First things first, we're eventually going to make a return visit to Facade one of these days, so Nier might as well plant those ten watermelon seeds he picked up a while back. What the hell are watermelon seeds even doing in the desert? That city is nutty...
24 Hours Later...
Brilliant. Despite looking quite impressive and there clearly being multiple melons in each plot's model, one seed only produces one watermelon. Oh well...still less steep than the 800 gold a piece market value they were going for at retail.
Getting back on track, the first sidequest is found by the guard of the Eastern Roads. Sidequests by the gates are never a good sign...
Sidequest: Fragile Delivery 3
Long story short: No rolling and no getting hit by enemies all the damn way from here to Facade. Terrific... Thankfully, this is the last in this series of awful quests. Well...I guess we'll be taking that trip to Facade sooner rather than later...
The party heads toward Facade...
'Are you serious? Hell no.'
'Pah! Hussies are only good for breaking things, anyway.'
'Maybe I'll start with you.'
This is definitely the biggest pain in the ass of the three Fragile Delivery quests. Mostly due to the lack of our bacon filled buddy, the boar, over in the desert sands. You cannot drift in the desert. That would be silly.
There is also the little matter of the desert being filled to the brim with homicidal wolves since it would seem canines have failed to come to the realization an arid wasteland with a single, fairly well organized and armed (relative to the rest of the world) indigenous human population is probably not the best hunting ground.
Just hauling ass with Nier while hugging the outer canyon, stopping to fire off the occasional Dark Phantasm is the best method to making the trip. And hoping the game world has smiled upon you and not spawned a clusterfuck mob of wolves like it occasionally enjoys doing.
A mad dash across the desert being chased by rabid packs of wolves later...
Upon entering Facade, Nier just need to stroll over to the blacksmith to complete the assignment. The quest doesn't actually end until Nier returns to the client and picks up a pretty weak 3000 Gold reward. But, that's a wrap as far as I am concerned.
Sidequest: Item Unknown
Nier just needs to drop off the sack full of 10 watermelons to the vague request giving woman and pick-up his 3000 Gold tip. Geez...really glad I didn't drop 8000 Gold at the grocer...
Indeed....I do believe we just totally got ripped the hell off by this masked jerk even with just growing the melons in our garden... I sure as hell know I could have made more than 2200 in profit just selling them to the grocer.

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This town!
Returning to the Village...

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Okie dokie. There is one more sidequest found across from the Village Blacksmith. This is the VERY LAST sidequest in the Village! For the first half of the game...
Sidequest: The Runaway Son
'I don't think so. Why, is something wrong?'
'When I got home, I found a note from him that said he was leaving and not to look for him. What if he's left the village!? Oh, if something happens to my little angel, I'll just DIE! Please, you have to help me! I'll pay you whatever you want! My son shouldn't be too hard to spot. He wears a very odd hat. You can see it from a mile away.'
'Okay. When I find him, I'll see if I can't convince him to come home.'
So, this quest is definitely the biggest pain in the behind that the Village produces. This is mostly because we are going to have to run all the way across the damn planet to get this damn kid home.
Later in Seafront...
So it turns out the wayward child is more like a beatnik teenager Red Mage wandering about Seafront's residential district. This is going to be just a joy, isn't it?
'Huh? Aw, man, how didja-'
'I don't know why you left, but I think you should go back. Your family's sick with worry.'
'No way! They want me to, like, take up the family business. And I ain't doin' it, man! I'm a rebel!'
'Yes, we can see that. Well, perhaps you should let your family know that you are alive and well, and also explain to them why you left.'
'Aw, man, people always gotta hassle me! Yeah, all right. I'll do it. But first you gotta do something for ME, man! There's this guy that's been helping me since I got here. The man who runs the tavern. Anyway, I wanna give 'im something nice. I was thinking I could, like, cook dinner or something? But I don't have any ingredients or whatever, so...yeah.'
'Oh, for hell's sake. ...Fine. What do you need?'
'This guy, man, he don't eat nothing but fish. All the time, every day, fish, fish, fish. So I was thinking he might, like, wanna try eating meat or whatever? So could you get me, like, five pieces of mutton and three pieces of goat meat? I can find the pans and spoons and stuff, so just bring the meat to his place whenever'
So...perhaps I was a bit hasty in selling all that goat meat... Oh well, it only took like...ten minute round trip to return to the Eastern Roads, kill and butcher three, and return to Seafront...
A round trip later...
'...Runaway? What are you talking about?'
'It seems we've been bamboozled.'
'Goddammit, when I find that stupid kid... Well, I guess we can tell his parents he's alive, at least.'
A grumble filled journey back to the Village...
'No, I haven't seen him. Oh, my poor little angel! Where could he be?'
'He's in Seafront. Well, he was, until he ran away again.'
'Oh, dear. Did he tell you an elaborate story and then ask for help? My little angel is a bit of a...well, he's a dirty liar. I probably should have mentioned that.'
'Little bastard sent us on a wild goose chase and then gave us the slip.'
'Since I cannot imagine you letting this go, perhaps we should return to Seafront. There may still be a lead or two left to pursue.'
'I'm gonna put that kid in a headlock and drag him all the way back home.'
*grumble* 'How can a son bring so much despair to his parents? He seems completely ignorant of the pain he has brought them. It's deplorable!'
'I love it when you sound like a grumpy old man, Weiss.'

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'Perhaps I only sound that way because I have existed since time immemorial!'
'How old are you, anyway?'
'Mmmm... You know, I'm not exactly sure.'
'They say memory loss is a sure sign of old age.'
'That poor family...'
All the way back to Seafront...
Terrific... I haven't seen enough of Facade lately...
All the way across the land to Facade...
Alrighty... Christ. If we have to go to The Aerie next I'm just punting this damn kid into the canyon. Anyway, if we poke around Facade a bit we'll find a few villagers discussing a new resident of Facade...
A: (Shockingly enough, he fits in perfectly. He even speaks our language and knows most of the rules!)
B: (I hear the new outsider came here after fleeing a terrible home life.)
'Aha! So he's disguised himself as one of the Masked People. No wonder we lost his trail.'
'He's gone through a hell of a lot of trouble trying to lose us. I can't wait to finally catch him.'
Luckily, the kid has shacked up in an apartment just a few yards away from the gabbing Facade residents. Let's end this Carmen Sandiego Jr.'s shenanigans...
'Aw, man! Why you gotta be all, like, following me and stuff? Fiiine. Lemme just pack and then I'll...'
'He has doubtless fled the city, though he could not have gone much further than that.'
'Just so we're on the same page, we are never mentioning that we fell for that trick to Kainé, right?'
'...Very well, I will spare you the embarrassment of that hussy's remarks.'
'He slipped past you too, Weiss.'
'You seem to assume I am still remotely interested in this frivolous affair. That would me a mistaken assumption.'

Back across Facade and into the Desert...
The twat just bolts mid-sentence toward the Eastern Roads. I guess he's out of bullshit to utilize in worming his way out of things.
A slow speed chase across the entire desert ensues. Just imagine the kid leaps into a White Bronco and Nier pursued on Boar-back walking behind him and you'd have a comparable intensity.
A third of the way across the desert...
'Shut up!'
Two-thirds of the way across the desert...
'Fool me once, shame on me! Fool me twice, and I shall smite you with unholy magic!'
The end of the desert...
'Maybe if I cut out your tongue, you won't be so...'
'Oh, crap! It IS a pack of wolves!'
Nier and Kainé must fend off a half dozen rogue wolves to help out the dumbass runaway. Like most Red Mages, he just kind of stands around useless for the duration of the battle. What a fucking wishy-washy class.
Six slain wolves later...
'Are you ready to go home yet?'

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'Yeah, man. Hell, yeah! This adventure stuff is, like, way too scary for me. I'm gonna stick close to home and stuff.'
'Good. Now let's go tell the family.'
The runaway runs back home... Nier returns to the Village.
Hey, it looks like Yonah left a new letter for Nier. Let's see what the kiddo has to say while we've been gone...
'My Birthday!'
...well fuck.
Let's just...let's just finish this dumbass side quest...
Back to the client...
'I believe they left us a note.'

The Runaway's Dad posted:

Thanks to your help, our little angel has returned to take up the family business. We have decided to move to a new land to begin anew and thoroughly train him to carry on the family name.

'Well, it's good to see them taking an interest in...'
'.....'Being onewatermelon gaming chair
'Hey! They didn't pay me!'
'Hey! Are you friends with the people who lived here!?'
'Because the goddamn bastards borrowed money from everyone in the village and skipped town! Apparently, their son ran away because he wanted to escape a life of crime, but then some idiot brought him back.'
'...This has been the worst job ever.'
'Perhaps we should just tally this up as an expensive life lesson and move on.'
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